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Thursday, 11 October 2012

Love Letter

Hey you

Do you remember how you always used to say that I reminded you of a bowl of fruit because of all the different colours and flavours of my personality? Well, here's the thing: I feel like I'm rotting to death. I mean, I know that sounds harsh and it might not be completely your fault but I really felt like I needed to say that to you. And I needed to say it to you in a letter and not to your face because of, like, really complicated reasons. I really love you.

I just want to say right now that you're like, the second or third best thing that ever happened to me in my whole, entire life and you've taught me so much about myself. Mainly you've taught me loads of stuff about what I don't want and for that I'm really grateful. For example, I'm pretty sure that I've decided that I don't want the following:

Someone who does what you do for a living
Someone who cries because of 'mean' things I say
Someone who always asks me how I am

Listen, don't freak out, I know what you're thinking; you're thinking I haven't said anything about your bed-wetting. But, to be honest, I don't really mind that. I think it's weird and gross but also sexy. And I think you're really good at it. In fact, I think it's the thing you're best at. And there's a part of me that thinks that I might have played a small part in you developing that side of yourself. I hope that doesn't sound weird. I really love you.

By the way, this has nothing to do with that other guy. Oh God, I love you so much this is so hard.

In short, I just feel that for the past few months you haven't really been seeing me. You know? It feels like it's all been about you doing stuff. For example, you spent ages organising that trip to New York for my birthday. I hardly saw you those few weeks. And because it was a surprise, you completely lied to me about it quite a few times which isn't really OK. And because I could sense you were lying, I thought that there was something going on with you and another woman. And, of course now I know that there was nothing like that happening but because it felt so real at the time, it's almost like it was real and I don't think I can forgive you for cheating on me. And not being able to forgive someone hurts like hell when you love them so much.

And the whole thing about me not wanting you to meet my friends. You reacted so crazily to that! Can't you see that it was a test? Not like a weird, game playing test, but a fun test between two adults who love each other. You kept saying that you wanted to respect my wishes and that you felt like you wanted to give me space and that you wanted to help me feel comfortable about the relationship. In short, you made it all about you. What about what I wanted? What about my wantsneedsanddesires?

So, I guess, in short, here's what I'm saying: I might be a beautiful bowl of different exotic fruits. In fact, it's obvious that I am. But you're a banana. And everyone knows that, as delicious and nutritious as bananas are, they make the other fruit in the bowl go off. 

But I don't want you to think that I'm not taking responsibility. I am. We both know that I don't need to go into detail about that because we both know it's true. We both know how much I love you. I love you so fucking much. That's why I don't 'work' at the moment. I'm too busy working at us. You know that.

You say that you think I'm selfish and that you want me to be nicer to you. Well, in short, I've got one word for you: projection. All I'm doing is protecting myself. And I'm protecting myself from you because I love you so much. I wish you could see that.

I'm not breaking up with you. I'm telling you that I love you but that you've got to be better and less ... I don't want to use the word abusive but you know what I mean.

I'm going away for a long weekend to think. I'm going to drop this letter off at the hospital for you on my way to the airport. You'll probably be asleep so I'll ask one of the nurses to pop it by your bed. I'll try to come and visit you on the ward when I get back if I'm not too tired.

I love you with all my heart.

But you've got to try harder.

Me.
x

1 comment:

  1. ...frightening, funny and (unfortunately) familiar (in a previous life).

    ReplyDelete