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Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Horoscopes #3

June

Gemini

Two thousand years ago there was a nice man called Jesus who taught people to love thy neighbour. He meant you, Gemini. In other words: bake a fucking pie and take it round to Helen's. 

Cancer

Watch this. It'll do you good If it does you bad, it's because of all the lactobacillus in your 'system'. Call us back!

Leo

This could be you in 20 years. But only if you try super, super hard at Maths and eat all your zinc.



Virgo

You know how a plant needs water?
You know how the desert needs the rain?
You know how a whale needs to come up for air?
You know how a cow needs grass?
You know how a pig needs some toast?
You know how we all need a new pair of jeans from time to time?
You know how sitting on a bin bag on the kitchen floor with your bum bag full of dry Cheerios clasped tight around your waste listening to The Verve for days on end can make you feel like you're a bit disconnected from stuff?
What we're trying to say is this: YOU KNOW STUFF. You know at least all the above stuff. Things are betterer than you think you thought you did. Even if you didn't.

Libra

Stop playing Candy Crush. You're a disgrace.

Scorpio

Score. Pee. Oh. Scorp. Eeeeeoh. Sc Orpee O. Thkorpeeyo. Shhhhcorepeeyoh. OIPROCS. Oip Rocks. ROCKS. You have rocks. You're weird.

Sagittarius

Your moon is all smashed to shit and your sun is in Mayfair. Put your hands together like in prayer. Do it now. Do it now. Stay like that for about a two minutes while thinking about something that is definitely alive but definitely not a flower or a person and that doesn't have legs or wings. Think about it really, really well. Talk to it a bit. Tell it you're sorry. Doesn't matter what for. Go for a wee. Now, write to a prisoner. Doesn't matter who. Do it now. After that, eat some toothpaste then some egg, then a five-a-day thing. Do this twice a day for a week. You might be able to change your destiny if you do this. But you should only do this if you already know what your previous destiny was and you definitely wanted to change it because your destiny might already just be fair enough as it is.

Capricorn

Fomitiporia ellipsoidea is a species of polypore fungus in the family Hymenochaetaceae, a specimen of which produced the largest fungal fruit bodyever recorded. Found in China, the fruit bodies produced by the species are brown, woody basidiocarps that grow on dead wood, where the fungus feeds as a saprotroph. The basidiocarps are perennial, allowing them to grow very large under favourable circumstances. They are resupinate, measuring 30 centimetres (12 in) or more in length, though typically extending less than a centimetre from the surface of the wood. F. ellipsoideaproduces distinct ellipsoidal spores, after which it is named, and unusual setae. These two features allow it to be readily differentiated microscopically from other, similar species. Chemical compounds isolated from the species include several steroidal compounds. These may have pharmacological applications, but further research is needed. 

Aquarius

You're all watery at the moment. Buy some towels. Also get cashew nuts, a tiger, something from an airport, some ham, some spam, a fan, a can, some jam, a lamb, a pan, a tan and a van. You need this stuff. It's totally to do with your horoscope.

Pisces

Pisces. We had trouble with your horoscope this month because we couldn't get a good reading of you. Could you watch this and let us know where you are as soon as is humanly and averagely possible? Ta

Aries

You are having a really creative juices of a time right now, Aries. It's really great. It's so great. It really is. Who cares if you're not very good at any of it!? WHO CARES!?!?!?! Say hi to Tony. But not Laura.

Taurus




4 comments:

  1. Thank you for saving me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It was a close thing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm not THE Anonymous, those mysterious cyber do-gooders. I'm a different cyber do-gooder. Who doesn't have any of the things they asked me to publish as.

    ReplyDelete
  4. damn it. as a Cancerian i'm often struggling with my paint being not enough watery... At last I can move on. thank you

    ReplyDelete