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Thursday, 6 June 2013

Judge Judith

Below is a translation of Judith Woods's article about Kate Winslet's pregnancy in today's Telegraph:

Kate Winslet is pregnant again. I've seen the film Titanic. She was in it. So was Leonardo DiCaprio.
Leonardo DiCaprio isn't the father of Kate Winslet's baby because Kate Winslet is in a relationship with someone else. But I just can't stop thinking about Titanic. When I watched Titanic I was completely enthralled by the characters of Jack and Rose played by Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. And now that I think about it there was that scene where they said goodbye to each other and Jack said some really nice things to Rose about how she'd fall in love and have babies and I reckon that in real life, Kate Winslet is Rose. And if she is, (which she IS) she's really pissed all over Jack's memory because Rose has turned into a slag because of the babies she's had in her tummy.
I've noticed that Kate Winslet is good at her job. I've also noticed that she sometimes has babies. It makes me cross! She has two children already with two men she really loved at the time. I'm annoyed! She got married to her current partner last year and they're really happy. But I'm not! I think it might be because I don't understand what the phrase revolving door means.
I have no idea what Kate's daughter thinks of Kate because I've never met her. But to the outside world, Kate looks pregnant. I mean, need I say more?
Yes, I need say more.
I don't think that a woman who has three children by three different men is quite nice. I know that I have no opinion about men who have three children by three different women because if I did, I would definitely have said something about that in this article to make an actual point about some important stuff. OMG! I've just realised I'm Lady Bracknell! And I'm not even embarrassed about it!
I don't understand why Kate has had different partners in the past. I mean, she's not even poor! It's really confusing me in my brain and mind. I know! I'll do three judgemental and completely unfounded sentences about each of Kate's husbands to make myself feel better. PHEW!
Who on Earth do I think I am!? does Kate think she is!? A HUMAN BEING????? Well she's not! She's an actor! And I know for a fact that actors do acting! And acting is a job! And I'm not sure where I'm going with this but Kate Winslet is having a baby with her third husband because of ACTING and I think that's bad behaviour and that's just what I think so there!
But it gets darker... sometimes when Kate puts her children to bed there will be sad faces and this is because I have no idea what the childcare arrangements Kate has with her ex-partners which means that it's me who has the sad face Kate is a bad mother who has taken them away from their daddies.
Marriage is wonderful, but it's hard work. This means that some marriages fail. It happens quite a lot, actually. In fact, about one-in-three don't make it. And Kate is on her third. And, instead of butting the fuck out, I'm going to try really, really hard to do a big, fat guess and say that in her previous two marriages Kate Winslet was an absolute nightmare to be with and it was all her fault that they ended. There. I said it. Wow. being a journalist is fun!
Falling in love and marrying and having a baby and breaking up and then doing it again stretches credulity because I live in Toyland. And, seriously guys, WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN. WHY DOES NOBODY EVER THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Kate Winslet: Your children hate you. And when it comes to putting your husband’s name on the birth certificate, it might be worth reconsidering. I'm giving you this advice because not only am I a serious and talented journalist, I am also a fortune-teller and I've just looked into my crystal ball and it says you're definitely a slag.

I feel fantastic.

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