Monday, 30 December 2013

A-Z #11

How to Prepare for the Imminent Influx of Bulgarian and Romanian Immigrants

Apply for every single job you see
Bring an extra pair of shoes to the workplace(s)
Change your route to frequented spots. Just to be sure
Download as many episodes of ER as possible. Watch three per day
Engage in petty arguments with friends in order to diffuse anxiety
Fight only for your own rights, no one else's
Get a tank
Hide in unexpected places, such as inside a permalink
Invent a contraption and use it all over the place
Jangle all your jangly things whenever you are outside. Just to be sure
Know yourself. Heal yourself. Be yourself. Hate yourself
Love yourself
Make sure you do all your crying alone
Note down all the noises your body makes. Just to be sure
Observe your nearest and dearest; why are they doing what they're doing?
Pinch people. Just to be sure
Queue like a normal, English person
Rise above everything. Literally
Set an example (see Q)
Try not to be too weird
Uncover any statues, ornaments or figurines that were, until now, covered 
Wait for a sign
X-ray all your documents. Just to be sure
Yodel. Yes, it sounds RIDIC, but it's extremely preparatory

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