Monday, 30 July 2012


Lane Lane
No Way
Action Stations Avenue
Successful Walk
Hateful Parade
Attitude Drive
Can't Corner
Incident Park
Fluids Crescent
Yes Way
Top of the Pops Street
Internet Close
Seriousness Hill
An Road
Emotional Court
Statistical Gardens
High-Risk Villas
Pretend Grove
Dark Place
Apology Square
Shoes Mews
Wow! Way
??? Terrace
The Smashings

Friday, 20 July 2012

The Sad Truth

Sometimes, you go to a cafe for lunch and there's a copy of The Sun on your table and you flick through it with a look of disgust on your face while you're eating. And sometimes, while you're flicking through, you come across an article about the Olympic female beach volleyball team and how a decision has been made that they are definitely going to wear their bikinis as long as the weather stays above 16 degrees. And in the article, written by Alex West, it says things like, male fans were up in arms when [they were] told on Monday how all the girls could don frumpy long-sleeved tops and leggings if temperatures remained low.

And then, in the same article, you read that a spokeswoman for the volleyball team has said, we’re thrilled Sun readers have shown such a healthy interest in the Olympic volleyball team. The girls know the bikinis are helping them gain popularity in the sport.

So, you get really angry. Not because some women are wearing bikinis but because of sexism and because some people really think that there is equality between men and women. And because it's the 21st Century. So then you call Alex West at The Sun and ask for the contact details of the Olympic spokeswoman in question. But Alex West isn't available, so you send him an email that he doesn't reply to. And then you have this idea to call the press department responsible for the Olympic volleyball team and you speak to a woman called Sue and you ask her if she can give you the contact details of the spokeswoman in the article. Sue tells you that she's almost certain who it is but that she needs to check and that she'll call you back.

Sue does call you back and she asks you why you want to contact the spokeswoman and you tell Sue that you want to ask the spokeswoman some questions like, doesn't she feel totally fucking depressed by the misogyny of the article? And, does she really think that the best publicity she can give her beach volleyball team is an assurance to men that the athletes will be wearing their bikinis? And, what does this assurance to the men actually, actually mean? Does it mean that the beach volleyball team and its press office totally understands that men want to look at women in their bikinis and think about fucking them and that everyone concerned is just completely OK with that? And, does she think that this sends a positive message to people about women in sport (or in general)? And, why did she refer to the women as girls? And, does she really think that what constitutes a healthy interest in women's beach volleyball is male spectators being up in arms about the possibility that female athletes won't be wearing bikinis? And, what is she playing at?

So, you tell Sue all of this and then Sue says that she's actually not that sure who the spokeswoman is after all.

And then Sue - who has a (probably not badly paid) job, don't forget, at the press department at the beach volleyball team - literally says this:

The thing is, the girls know that sex sells and really they see it as part of their duty. I mean, you're talking to someone who's a feminist herself but that's the sad truth I'm afraid; there's just nothing we can do to change it.

The reason you know that this is what Sue literally said is because you wrote it down while she was saying it because you could feel it coming.

So, after that, you get this feeling in your stomach that's like a bleak, empty kind of hopelessness and you thank Sue for her time and you put the telephone down and you sit on your bed and scream into a pillow. For quite a while actually.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

You Know Who You Are

Sometimes you've got to say 'yes' without a thought
So that someone's strange and impossible life steps up a notch
Sometimes you've got to smoke a million cigarettes
Even though it's a ridiculous exaggeration
Sometimes you've got to stare viciously into the middle distance
Or you'll be sick
Sometimes you've got to lie naked on your bed and break your own heart
Because if you don't, it might stay where it is and never learn

Sometimes you've got to tell yourself that you're the kindest person in the world
Although your eyes are terrifying and your body formidable
Sometimes you've got to string beautiful words together 
Because if you don't, you'll do an amazing, exhausting wriggle
Sometimes you've got to bite down hard
And let the teeth marks do the talking
Sometimes you've got to stay very still
And watch Dirty Dancing and love your family 

And sometimes, you've got to make a noise come out of your face
That sounds like a galaxy screeching to a halt

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

No Reason

I just wanted to buy you some flowers - no reason.
I just thought it would be lovely to book a holiday - no reason.
I just really felt like writing you a poem - no reason.
I just thought I'd come over and say hi - no reason.
I just really love your knuckles - no reason.
I just decided to keep trying to phone you - no reason.
I just felt like holding my breath for quite a long time - no reason.
I just thought it would be cool to stare at my computer screen while my anti-virus software did a full scan - no reason.
I just had this urge to break into your house and sit in your bath for a bit and eat some of your soap - no reason.
I just thought it would be fun to stand in the centre of town and staple dead pigeons to my face - no reason.
I just thought it might be interesting to follow your mum around for a day or two - no reason.
I just thought that I'd tell loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of awful lies - no reason.
I just really fancied having a picnic in the A&E department - no reason.
I just thought I'd pretend that I was an actual baby for a few days but still go to work - no reason.
I just had this idea to start collecting things that make me feel incredibly angry - no reason.
I just started shaking quite a lot - no reason.
I just wanted to see what would happen if I covered myself in loads of bin bags and then went to the library to ask if they had any books about Nikitin NV-2 - No reason.
I just thought it would be funny if I ripped up all the carpet in my house and cut it all into the shapes of little people and played a game with them where they talk to me all day but I completely ignore them - no reason.
I just really like standing in my front room when it's really late and switching the light on and off for a few hours - no reason.
I just think it's nice to cover my entire face in lipstick and go to the dual carriageway with a few beers - no reason.
I just have this thing at the moment where I sit in the airing cupboard and drink quite a lot of milk and sing songs out of tune on purpose and don't even give myself going to the loo breaks - no reason.
I just can't stop running into cafes and going up to the bit where all the cakes are and climbing up onto the counter and taking my shoes off and throwing them on the floor and getting my spare pair of stilettos out of my bag and putting them on and jumping on all the muffins and flapjacks and Portuguese custard tarts and screaming - no reason.
I think I just miss you a bit.

Sunday, 1 July 2012

A-Z #4


As u can tell from my pics, I go out loads and all my clothes are well good
Birthday shout outs are the only way to feel special
Can I tell you all an enormous secret about my personal life?
Do you have a status update I can borrow?
Events, photos, games, gangs, hates, offensive weightloss programmes...
Got millions of invites to millions of sick parties
Hate myself love myself hate myself love myself (LOL)
It's amazing how the adverts are, like, just for me
Jesus Christ, I'm depressed (LOL)
Kate Middleton, public figure, 896,911 'likes'
Like me like me like me like me
M8! :))) Love ur profile pic!! Ur soooooooo fit! DM me lol!
No way! You're friends with some of my friends! Amazers!
OMG: I just had breakfast and next I'm going to have lunch! YUM TIMES!
Poke me poke me poke me poke me
Quit going out in one easy step
Ronan Keating, musician/band, 16 'likes'
Someone needs to write on my wall before I totes kill myself
Tag me tag me tag me tag me
Un-tag me un-tag me un-tag me un-tag me
Why Am I Here on Earth? App, 600,000 monthly users (LOL)
Yes, I do recognise you even though I've never seen you in person before