Thursday, 9 July 2015

From Bristol to Bristol


You don’t know me but The Ordeal suggested I contact you because we have something in common which is our name.

The Ordeal said that you might be able to help me or at least write back to me or send me a sign or something. I don’t know about that, really. The Ordeal sometimes has big ideas and says things that I can’t fathom. Maybe you know what I mean.

So. A little bit about me.

I am a very small part of the state of Louisiana
Louisiana – the state with the most beautiful name, in my opinion
You may think I am biased
You may well be correct

I am situated between a duck and a diamond
I have a straight line running through the bottom of my heart
My beginning and my end are ambiguous to outsiders
Because there aren’t any signs to where I am
Nor are there any signs when I am
But I know that I am because I feel it
I feel it when there is weather
And when there is a commotion of birds or wasps
And when there are bells ringing in Church Point
And whispers of melodies from the bar
And when insiders lie down in my meadows and love each other
I feel all of those things
I hope you believe it
But I would understand if you didn’t
Because sometimes I don’t believe it myself

It says somewhere that I am a populated place
But other times, it says somewhere that I am nothing at all. But I don’t know about that, really.

I feel that more and more these days; that I am nothing at all. I can’t explain it very easily but let me try to embelish a little by writing a list of the words or phrases that are making me have this feeling:

The Tree
The Other Tree
You might have noticed that I stopped writing the list before finishing it because The Feeling started to come really, really strong. Maybe you know what I mean.

The Ordeal told me that we should be in contact because of these feelings I’ve been having. The nothing at all feelings. I don’t know if I should tell you or if you will be interested but sometimes the nothing at all feeling is so potent that I feel unable to see. I cloud over. I fold in. I stick to the sides of myself. The air around me dies. The colours go away. I miss… I miss… I don’t know what.

Maybe you will write back to me. Maybe you won’t. Either way, The Ordeal said that the act of writing this down might help me to feel better. But I don’t know about that really.

Yours in hope,

Bristol, Louisiana.

Sunday, 5 July 2015


What is that, then, a cello? Do you play that? That's wicked. I do music too. Well, I used to do more than I do now. I used to do loads, just like in my room. But I'm always making up little tunes when I'm on the bus and writing them down in my little book. I'm a drummer mainly. Well, also I'm a dancer but me and my mate used to do a lot of music together. She's concentrating on her dancing more at the moment though. We used to dance together. We both got into the same school, like a performing school. The Brit School. Yeah, I got in. But just before I started, I messed up my ankle really badly and I couldn't go in the end. Well, maybe I could've gone but, I dunno, I think I lost my confidence and I just sort of stopped. So I never went. So, yeah, I suppose I just fell into beauty therapy really. I like it though. But, yeah, I suppose it's not exactly what I want to be doing. But I dunno.

I would like to go to the Brit. I was well excited when I got in. I should apply again but, I dunno, I just kind of think everything happens for a reason, you know? I haven't really danced for ages. I dunno why. I haven't thought about it much. I mean, I have thought about it. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But, you know, I'm only 22. I could probably start training again. I dunno what happened. My mum says it's a confidence thing. But yeah.

I think my mum's right about the confidence stuff. I used to never get nervous when I was dancing and performing. But now, when I think about it, I feel all sicky. I should start again, like slowly. But also, my boyfriend didn't like it, the dancing and performing. Well, actually, he's my ex now. We broke up yesterday. I'm ok about it though. I woke up this morning and I was like, yes. Oh my God, he was well bad to me. He hated my dancing and all my mates. So we broke up. We were living together. I've been trying to break up with him for ages but he sort of wouldn't let me. Like, yesterday when I told him it was over for good, he stole all my stuff, like my wallet and my keys and my phone and he wouldn't let me leave the flat. He basically trapped me inside. I was like, I am not having this anymore, you know? It was my nephew's birthday as well and I missed it cos I was trapped in the flat. I've cancelled all my cards and I'm getting a new phone. He's still got it all. I don't care though. I'm free of him now.

I feel bad about my nephew though. That was another thing about being with my ex. I hardly ever saw my family. And I'm really close to my family, you know? Like, we're really tight knit. And I just kept thinking, my nephew and nieces aren't gonna be this young for much longer and I want to enjoy them and have fun, you know? Show them a good time. And soon, they'll be grown up and I would've missed it all. So, yeah, I'm definitely better off without him. I'm staying with my mum now. She doesn't really know everything that happened. She'd shoot him if she knew. He didn't work or anything either. Well, not legally. He was a waste of time. But yeah, he hated my dancing. He was like, 'you're not hot enough to pull it off' but then, when I tried to make myself look hot - well not even hot, just like, cool - he'd say I was trying to get other blokes' attention. But I wasn't! I just wanted to look good when I was performing, you know? It's all part of what it's all about.

Me and my mates are going out to celebrate on Saturday. I've not seen them properly for about a year. He didn't really let me. Well, it's not that he didn't let me. He'd just get all moody and not talk to me. Oh my God, sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for like three days. And when you're living with someone, that's hard to deal with. So, yeah, I'm having a night out with all my girls. We've planned everything out, what we're wearing, where we're going, what music we're gonna listen to when we're getting ready, even what we're gonna eat at the end of the night. I'm either gonna have a kebab or some chicken. I love it. There's an amazing place to get chicken in Clapham.

Yeah, it's gonna be wicked.