Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Dear Misogynist

Dear Misogynist

If I was walking down the street with a man by my side would you have said, 'nice tits, sweetheart'?

If I was in the shop buying condoms with my boyfriend would you have said, 'do you fancy putting one of those on me later?'

If I was at work with a male chaperon would you have said, 'you're far too sexy to be doing a job like this'?

If I was crossing the road with my dad would you have said, 'hey baby, I wanna tap you'?

If I was walking out of my house with my brother at 8am, would you have said, 'fancy an early morning fuck?'

If I was on the tube with my uncle would you have stared at me for the whole journey and then walked past me and said 'sexy lady' in my ear when we alighted?

If I was walking past you with my male boss, would you have cat called me and then called me a stupid bitch when I told you to leave me alone?

If I was in the car with a male companion, would you have mouthed the words, 'I wanna fuck you' at me?

If I was in the doctor's waiting room with a male friend would you have said, 'are you having your tits checked, cos I fucking envy the doctor who's doing that'?

If I was on the bus with my grandfather, would you have tried to touch me and then laughed at me and called me a whore when I told you to stop?

If I was walking out of the train station with my step dad, would you have told me I was a lesbian cunt when I answered 'no, go away' to your obscene question?

If I was in the park with another man would you have walked past me and done that thing where you waggle your tongue between your two fingers at me?

My guess is that the answer to all of these questions is no.

I hope you get better soon.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

A - Z #9

Top Tips for a Successful Audition

Attention seek like there's absolutely no tommoz
Be! Excited! Be, be excited!
Cry unexpectedly but in a way that's interesting (eg, have blood for tears?)
Do one of these
Egg yourself on by literally egging yourself on stage
Forage about in the space for 'found objects'
Get over your nerves by stopping being nervous
Have an out of body experience. But in character
Imagine that the director is not a director but a depressed womble.
Just be yourself. NOT.
Knock on things to create a sense of rhythm in what you're saying
Listen with your eyes
Move around cleverly to show that your body is just a massive brain
Never take an animal to an audition. Unless it's a power animal
On finishing, apologise for any errors and punch yourself to show you mean it
Pretend to be someone else
Questions for the director: 1. What? 2. How? 3. How? 4. Why? 5. How?
Real acting is never as good as pretend acting
Show off your versatility by shivering if it's hot and sweating if it's cold etc
Take a leaf out of Jane's book and just be really natural
Underwhelm is the new overwhelm which is the old onwhelm
Veer away from prosaic words such as 'horse', 'fruit' and 'shoe'
Wear all of these:

You won't need luck when you've got the Power of Grayskull